


Trust

by TheOneChickThatMayOrMayNotBeInsane



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A little angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Phil's POV, Phil's sad, Post Break Up, break-up, but starts in 2012, it goes though 2015, just FYI, kinda based off a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 21:23:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4237122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOneChickThatMayOrMayNotBeInsane/pseuds/TheOneChickThatMayOrMayNotBeInsane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thought he'd found someone he could trust, someone that would love and care for him no matter what but Dan, it seemed, was not that person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a songfic, but then I couldn’t quite fit the lyrics to the story. The song was going to be the Beatles song You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away. Side note: YOU CAN GET MARRIED IN ALL OVER AMERICA IF YOU’RE GAY WHOOOOOO!

Phil sunk to their bed (his, now) and cried. Due to years and years of practice of hiding his feelings, of hiding his sadness, of building a wall inside his head so that only the sweet, loving, caring side of him came out around other people, he knew that Dan wouldn't hear his tears. Dan didn't care anyway. He'd made that clear. Phil thought of his cold voice and hard eyes and curled up into a ball to shield himself from his memories. He thought he'd found someone he could trust, someone that would love and care for him no matter what but Dan, it seemed was not that person. It broke his heart into sharp little shards.

A year after Dan dumped him, they both got really drunk on some strong vodka that Phil had got in Russia. Instead of traveling to an island like his family usually did, they’d decided to go to Russia. It was very uncomfortable for Phil, not just because he was gay as fuck, but also because it was really cold and his not-so-little British body was not used to how cold it was. When Dan got drunk, he got even more suggestive than usual. This time, he kissed Phil and Phil, like the idiot he was (as he told himself later) kissed him back. Before they knew it, they found themselves in Phil’s bed, unclothed and happy. Phil, who hadn’t drunk as much as Dan had, realised what had happened and vowed that it would never happen again. He’d spent a year getting over Dan and he didn’t need to suffer that heartbreak again. He’d hid it well, too well really, from everyone. His parents, the fans, even Dan. No one knew how broken his heart was. He supposed he’d learned it from his childhood bullies. They’d beat him up and he learned how to hide his tears and conceal his cuts. He never told anyone how hurt he was all the time. No one. And then Dan came along. 

After that night, something changed. Dan seemed more comfortable around Phil. He was never one hundred percent sure that Dan remembered that night. Hell, he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he _wanted_ Dan to remember that night. He couldn’t deny it anymore though. He was completely in love with Dan Howell. During the filming of Day in the Life in London, he leaned over and pecked Dan on the cheek, the way a grandmother might kiss her grandchild. He didn’t expect anything to come out of it (and he knew he’d edit it out of the video later) and was very surprised when he turned around and kissed him back. When they got back to their flat, Dan looked at him and kissed him the way he used to. Phil pushed him away and felt his tears welling up. He pushed those down too. He told Dan that this wasn’t right, that they weren’t supposed to be doing this. Dan nodded and didn't say anything. 

The next week, Phil found post-it notes around the flat. The first one said ‘sorry for kissing you. forgive me?’ The second, ‘I’ll get some milk’. The third, ‘I regret 2012’. Phil was puzzled at that one. He found others, some funny, some domestic and some that were just plain out romantic (those were the ones that he saved and puzzled over). The last one he found said ‘I love you, Phil Lester’

He rushed to Dan's room, post-it note in hand. He asked Dan to explain it and Dan did so with a kiss. Phil found himself smiling, something that he normally reserved for videos, not for Dan. 

Phil kept waiting for Dan to storm out of his room, to shout at him all through 2013 and in the beginning of 2014. But he didn’t. Dan was sweet and loving. Perhaps he’d matured, perhaps Phil wasn’t as subtle at hiding his sadness as he thought, perhaps it was something else. He wasn’t too sure. Before he knew it, a year had passed and nothing had happened except that Dan was sleeping in the same bed as him and they were happy together. When August rolled around, he took Phil out to a little restaurant for their one year anniversary. They both knew that their _real_ anniversary was in October but they ignored it. (Their first break up was in June, when Phil wanted their wedding to be. He guessed, correctly, that June was now ruined for the both of them). Dan told him, over a dinner in October, that their love was stronger than anything he’d seen before. As he was Dan Howell, he couldn’t help but add, “Even a Nokia” and Phil laughed until his sides ached and tears were forming in his eyes. These he didn’t (and couldn’t) hide. 

In 2015, Phil trusted Dan not to shatter his heart again. He felt like he could trust Dan with his life. They were happy, content. Now, he didn’t have to hide his heart. He could let his love show for Dan (even though they weren’t quite ready to come out to the viewers). They’d talked it through and Phil had insisted that they didn’t come out yet. He didn’t think that they were ready. Dan, honouring his wishes, did as he asked. One night in June, not so long after Dan turned 24, Phil broke down in tears. Dan embraced him and didn’t say anything, just was there. It was all Phil really needed. He needed someone that would be for him. And that person was Dan.

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be published on my birthday, which is now a historic event haha. The 26 of June, the day that the Supreme Court issued the decision that gay marriage is legal everywhere. Tbh, I was crying on and off all day, it’s so beautiful. Sorry this is a bit late.


End file.
